Yeah, I’m gonna need you to come in on Saaaaaaturday

So glad I don’t work for *this* guy

I doubt that anyone from my husbands work will actually read this post, but if they do I would like to disclaim that these are my opinions only and do not represent those of my husband whatsoever. Let me say it again another way: don’t fire my husband because I am a full-time mom and don’t have much to do except poke my nose in other people’s business (business that is NOT done in a diaper, but like real live business). One more time just in case…my opinions do not equal anything remotely close to what my husband thinks or feels about his job. He loves his job. I love that he loves his job and I support him in his job. I just have very little to do so I like to create meaning in things that do not necessarily merit a second glance. Okay, there. I think I have made myself clear.

Anyway, sometimes my husband works from the home-office (not often, but who can blame the guy). When he does work from home, there are times he has to be on conference calls where his team meets to discuss quotas, metrics/matrix/matrices (see, I already can’t even explain what they talk about), projections (not the new widescreen televisions), pipelines (not what they are installing at the entrance of my neighborhood that caused me to get a ticket for speeding in a construction zone), events (I KNOW what that means, duh!) and a myriad of other sales related terms. He has this type of call every Monday. He also has this type of call every Friday. Somehow they find a way to also book this type of meeting in another city for three days once every quarter (on top of both the Monday and Friday calls). And then again twice a year for a week in another city (on top of the quarterly meetings and weekly Monday and Friday calls).

Sometimes, I am sitting within earshot of these calls and every once in a while over the sound of  “RAR, RAR, RAR…RAR, RAAAAR, RAAAR, RAR” I am able to discern a few words. I won’t post them here because you might actually die of boredom, BUT I am so interested in these calls and the psychology of it all. There are all these men and women gathering (in person or by phone) to discuss what sounds like the same exact thing twice a week every week, then four times a year for three days and then again twice a year for a week. Now, I’m no mathmetician but that makes 32 1/2 days talking about the same thing. Maybe, it’s not the same exact thing but it is certainly in the same vane of being the same thing. Why do they do it? Then there is the sociologist in me that wants to kinda be a fly on the wall and like push a computer button that makes burping sounds and see if any of them stop the “RAAR, RARing” to say something or if they are so totally engrossed in the discussion that they don’t even hear it. That’s when I’d crank the volume and turn up the pressure for someone to speak up. You know someone wants to bust up laughing, but THESE CALLS ARE SO IMPORTANT!!

Here’s how my weekly call would go down: First of all, I would be the boss because let’s face it…I run this outfit (although my husband kinda owns the company). I would tell each of my little subordinates that they also have metrics they need to meet. Like, for instance both of them MUST hit the number of 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep EVERY night while they are under my roof. If you are teething, sick or just need a cuddle during the night time goal, you need to schedule a meeting at least two weeks out so that I can prepare for our time together (i.e. extra cup of coffee, nap standing up, playing “You’re Gonna Miss This” on repeat for the week leading up to our meeting). They will also have vegetable quotas, preschool letters pipelines, diaper output projections (LOL) and I DO NOT want to hear why they didn’t hit their numbers (one of them can’t even talk yet, so that might not be as big a problem after all)!! They will have a very throrough understanding of the internal workings of the company (i.e. things they do not care about in the least) like family finances, grocery lists, schedules, meal planning, peanut allergy research…okay, let’s face it none of this is going to happen. What is going to happen is that despite all my planning, projections, metrics or scheduling what is going to happen any given day is not necessarily up to me. I can put things in place, I can try my hardest and I can sell my plan to my little customers but if someone gets sick or just plain doesn’t want to do something I’m gonna have to change my game plan. Until then, I’ll just keep letting my husband do the “heavy lifting” and take those calls for the family. After all, he’s the one who gets paid the big bucks.


Categories: All The Rest

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