Five Ways to Rock a Fanny Pack

It might come as a big surprise to you, but I am a little dorky. The wonderful thing is that I am not completely aware of my dorkyness and, in fact, most of this character trait is born out of my very practical and logical way of looking at life and my intense desire to be comfortable regardless of the outcome. See “What Ever Happened to the Barn Jacket?” for an example of how this way of thinking often gets me into situations  where self-awareness might be an asset.

Anyway, for your Halloween reading pleasure, I bring you “FIVE WAYS TO ROCK A FANNY PACK “(I am only kidding a little bit, this really is very useful information):

1. First and foremost, you must acquire said fanny pack. This might be somewhat of a challenge since the 80’s were a long time ago and Pauley Shore is no longer influencing us to hit the high note at the beginning of a sentence and drag out the last word of every sentence. Ahem, like this “the weeeeeeeaaaaasssssel.” But much like mesh tanks and neon tights, the fanny pack can still be found at myriad a thrift shop or convenient store in Ft. Lauderdale (I jest!). I acquired mine as a gift…from my mom…for my 37th birthday…need I go on?

2. If you are going to rock the fanny pack, you are going to have to wear it with full confidence. OR you are going to have to be oblivious to your total lack of fashion sense and buckle that thing just below the belt line where it’s nice and snug. I recently wore mine on an outing to the zoo with my children and husband. It’s practical. Didn’t want to carry a full diaper bag, but I wanted access to the important things, like cash and cell phone. You can wear the pack in front or in the back, it’s all about confidence.

3. Hang out with children…wait, that came out totally wrong! What I mean is that when wearing/rocking a fanny pack you may want to consider hanging out with people who have little fashion sense OR do not know any better. The best option is to hang out with the people you have to dress in the morning. They will not make any comments about your pack and will appreciate the handiness of it when they need a tissue or a wipee or a small serving of Cheddar Bunnies. Your posse/entourage is key in rocking the pack. If anyone near you is holding something with the first name Louis and last name Vuitton or knows someone named Michael Kors or eats fruit called LuLu Lemon, then these people have to go.

4. Let’s talk about fabric. Gone are the days of the slate blue Member’s Only water wicking fabric. If you can find a fabric that is a bit ironic, “vintage” or adorned with cartoon kitty’s or babushkas then you have arrived.

5. Finally, do not underestimate the power of the adjustable strap. Do not, I repeat, do not wear the pack around your natural waistline. This is a dangerous zone to draw attention to. Instead, loosen the strap as far as it will go and wear it below the belt line. It should fit snug, but not tight and it should not be so loose so as to inhibit your natural gait. Walking comfortably with your pack is essential to rocking your pack.

So there you have it. Wear it proud. Wear it often. Wear it tonight to collect all that stray candy that will be scattered along the sidewalks and streets of your neighborhood. Happy Halloween!

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Categories: All The Rest

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