Hey, Jealousy

Just because he is slow, doesn't mean he's not ambitious. Deceptive little creature.

Just because he is slow, doesn’t mean he’s not ambitious. Deceptive little creature.

Look this is going to be hard for me to say.

I usually don’t have a problem putting it all out there, but this is kinda sticky. It might make you uncomfortable.

At first I thought it was ambition, admiration, passion or just plain personality. I’m made a little differently than most ladies. INTJ’s where you at?

I’ve always gone after the things I’ve wanted and most of the time seemed to scrap my way to the top of whatever I was doing despite what others may have thought (CrossFit, you elude me but I’m not quitting). I almost always start off as an underdog. I’m the proverbial turtle taking the first couple of laps (sometimes years of just laps) slowly. I catch my rhythm, grow into my strength, gather confidence and then I’m off. I may not pass the rabbit for the finish, but I finish with character and integrity and I will only go for something if I believe in it.

True story.

In fact, I surrendered a six figure salary in my twenties and the opportunity to be THE assistant to one of the most successful commercial real estate brokers in Newport Beach, CA because I wanted to change the world in other ways besides flipping big boxes in Orange County (no judgment, this guy was a class act. I learned a TON from him. I still talk about the way he pursued excellence and integrity in every aspect of his job and how I had to stand at the fax machine – I’m that old – to retrieve every return receipt, omg). He wanted me to be a partner someday, but I had dreams of being poor. Wait, what? If you are listening, Mark, you should know I have nothing but respect!

Ambitious, yes. Poor, also yes.

Ever feel jealous for who you used to be? Oh, just me...bummer. Thankful for grace.

Ever feel jealous for who you used to be? Oh, just me…bummer. Thankful for grace.

Anyway, back to the story. Turns out what I have been feeling is green. With envy. Jealous.

I know, gross. Like, cockroach gross. Flying cockroach gross.

I’m human.

I won’t tell you what I have been jealous about because its a big mess of noodles – authenticity folks, not an exhibitionist – but I will tell you that oftentimes, unfavorable feelings and emotions can mask themselves as things that are favorable. Like ambition, admiration, passion and personality. I’m not proud of the way I’ve been feeling and thank the good Lord I now know enough not to act on things before passing them through the filter of prayer and God’s word.

But I’m ready for this lesson to be behind me.

Three weeks is long enough to feel like a cockroach!


Categories: Life Lessons Through Sports

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