Sometimes It’s So Hard To Be…


My son and I have this saying “Sometimes it’s so fun to be…” and then I wait for him to answer with his age. So, if we are having a super great day at the kids museum and then eating our lunch on the steps while trying not to let the pigeons eat our food I’ll look at him and say “Sometimes it’s so fun to be…” and then he’ll look up at me with his little serious face and break into a small smile and answer “five.” Then we just keep on keeping on.

On tough days I do the same thing. At the end of a tough day at school or after being disappointed that his sister got more Daddy time than he did that day, I’ll lay in bed with him and after talking through his day I’ll look at him and say “Sometimes it’s so hard to be…” and he’ll close his eyes, roll over on his side and quietly say “five.”

This kid is my heart. Every kid has a different personality and takes up different space in your soul. My daughter is effervescent, lively, cheerful, joyful and just full of sass. She is like a little celebration every time you encounter her. My son is deep, thoughtful, serious, intuitive, logical and will only laugh if you are legitimately funny – he has the most thought out questions and he communicates everything, but you have to listen and be tracking his every word (even the non-verbals) if you are going to keep up with him. Luckily, he’s put together just like me. He is my heart.

When I was pregnant with him, he was covered in prayer. Daily. Like all day, daily. It was our first child and we just poured over him like you do when you are pregnant with your first child. We read to him and sang to him and prayed for him to have a big, giant voice that would change the world. We joked that he was our little Viking because of how forcefully he would kick. His nickname in utero was “Thor” and we joked he was throwing around little hammers in my belly. When our doctor showed him to us on ultrasound and we saw his little hands and feet moving here and there, he said “you guys are going to have your hands full with this one,” and then we all got a good laugh, my little boy bouncing up and down in my belly as I laughed too. My husband and I, of course, thought “what does he know? Our boy is gonna be perfect.” And he is.

When he was born on Martin Luther King Jr. Day in 2008, we joked that he would be our little activist because he did indeed get that big, giant voice we prayed for. He screamed his little lungs off! Those screams turned into cries and coos and eventually they turned into words. If you see my son, he will talk and talk until you listen and he will only speak if you are an attentive audience. He will not settle for his message to be watered down by interruptions, so you better listen up. Prayers answered – big, giant voice. God was so good and so faithful and we didn’t stop praying for him – not one single day. During the first year when I went through post-partum depression, we once again prayed our hearts out. One of my favorite prayers that God answered is that no matter what anxiety or difficulties I had during the day, God always allowed me to hold and rock my son to sleep…every single night. It was the only time I wasn’t anxious. I would breathe in his little baby smell and hold him until he fell asleep. He had acid reflux and colic so sometimes that took close to 45 minutes, but it didn’t matter. It was my favorite time of day.

We haven’t stopped praying for him, not one single day. There are really tough days when I just feel overwhelmed that maybe I’m not getting it right. That maybe I’ve done it all wrong or that I have completely blown it, not just for today – but permanently. I hate those days. I hate that he would ever feel like I am not for him, like I am not his biggest fan. And so we keep praying. As I was driving around yesterday, I remembered all the prayers God had answered on our behalf for our little warrior and that filled me with peace. If he has already answered so many prayers that we have visibly seen and many we haven’t (maybe not exactly how we would have played it out), then won’t He continue to answer the prayers we continue to send his way?

YES. Yes, He will.

Sometimes it’s so fun (and at times hard) to be…a MOM.

Happy Birthday to my little heart, my little angel. I. Love. You.

Published by pytallman

Wife, mother, Christ follower.

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